Tuesday, March 27, 2012


 It's always amazes me when people feel the need to keep miscarriages a secret or pretend as if nothing happened. Like as if they aren't supposed to acknowledge that they had a living person (part of them)  growing inside of them. As if they just didn't spend months mentally imagining what this person would be like- what they would feel like- what name you would give them- and they just expect to just carry on with normal conversations and daily life as normal.
 But normal?
 I am not sure what that is anymore.
 At times I feel numb. Other times I feel emotional. Other times I feel the need to crack jokes and laugh.

Yesterday I was chasing little man in the kitchen and he squealed and giggled as I tried to catch him. The sound of his laughter was music to my ears. It was refreshing and reminded me of the love I have for him and being a mother. I am so lucky. Then, that feeling of gratitude quickly disappeared as part of me felt guilty for feeling such great joy. Like it felt weird to laugh or smile or engage in a fun activity.

What is the deal with that? I am supposed to feel all those things so why would I feel guilt?  I think there is a notion that grief is something that begins and then ends. We go through one stage and on to the next never to return to the previous stage. Sadly, in my experience- the stages of grief can be repeated over and over in different variations and levels and sometimes forever.  It doesn't just go away magically one day. They come in waves. It just get's easier to cope with the pain- to find the wishes among the weeds.

I know this experience has forever changed me. I am not the person I was last week. I have an even clearer perspective. I have yet another reminder of how precious and fragile life is.

 I am stronger.

My art journal has had a lot of love lately.

Additionally,  I came upon this soul collage below that I had stuck in my art journal a few weeks ago. It was one that I created while I was at work with a teenage client who was working on her soul collage while I rummaged through images looking for things I was attracted to and glued them on a page.(I like to be doing art along with my client so they feel comfortable and they don't as I am judging their work) :) I was surpised how much I had "home" and "family" on the brain.

Looking back now with different eyes- I see heaven on earth. I see a family with two kids- one of them being a girl. I always dreamed to have a girl one day as well. I had secretly thought I was having a girl... maybe one day I will.

It is not happening right NOW for me. But one day I pray it will.
 I know there is a time and reason when one day I will understand.

Thank you for your sweet words, prayers, and goodies.
I am truly blessed.

P.S. I forced myself to get dressed, straighten my hair, and even slap on some red lipstick if nothing else. It fealt good. I took some photos and had good conversation with friends. I even had a friend who came over and helped me plan my healing garden... can't wait to share that with you.

One step in front of the other.


  1. Hey Cristi,this is so random but this is Charlene Stewart(barber) from way back when & I stumbled upon your blog.I just wanted to say I am sincerely sorry for your loss.After my first child I had 2 miscarriages in a row & it was the lowest point in my life.My feelings were dismissed all the time because "it's" so common & it made me feel horrible.Anyways, I'm so sorry again, hang in there, just survive one day at a time like you're doing.You'll never forget what you've gone through & when you do hold your next little miracle you'll have such an appreciation that you wouldn't have had without going through this nightmare.If you ever need to cry, curse, or scream I'm here for you!! charlenebarber@gmail.com

  2. Cristi, so sad to hear your news. So glad you were brave enough to share. I will be thinking about you throughout the coming days and weeks. Praying for healing for you all.

  3. Cristi, I am so sorry. LOVE YOU!!