October's Challenge: Be Still.

 Bright color leaves begin to float about in the wind. The air is beginning to take on a different crisp smell and feel to my cheeks. I love to grasp onto a a mug of hot apple cider and just feel my hands warm up.
It's October.

The signal that the end of the year is near and anticipation for the holidays here.

Although October is one of my favorite months, my heart aches with very mixed emotions about this month.

 For this reason, I have decided that this month's challenge is to:

October.

  It's a reminder. 

A reminder that I should be holding my brand new baby in my arms.

 I knew that the heartache and empty feeling would be strong this month as it reminds me of my miscarriage.

Boy was I right.

My heart does ache.

More than I could have imagined.

Floodgates open as tears flow in the most random times. I could be driving in the car and a particular song sends me into the ugly cry. It's almost as the more I try to set it aside the more it comes to the surface.

It's been a tough 6 months.

I long to be STILL and just listen to my inner voice.

 I long to be STILL and just observe.

I am allowing myself the time to be STILL...to hopefully continue to heal.

OCTOBER CHALLENGE:
I want you to start this challenge by thinking of a  number 1 to 12. Okay got it? Now think of a number between 1 and 59. Got it?

That is your time this week. For example, the number that came to my mind was 3 and then the next number was 2 so my time is 3:02pm. Now set your alarm on your phone for that time of the day- obviously adjust it to AM or PM during a time you are going to be awake.

This is a random time of the day where no matter what you are in the middle of you will take a two minute time out and just be STILL.

If you are in the middle of something with others- just simply excuse yourself and find a place you can close your eyes and observe the sounds, smells, and sense of touch you feel in those two minutes. That is all. No judgment...just observations.

  At first, those two minutes may seem like an eternity, but in time it will become easier. I promise.

You ready to join me??
Besitos,
xo

Wishing on a Dandelion

Dear Mr. Dandelion Wish Granter,

I always take the time to stop and make a wish every time I see a dandelion... and I am wishing the same exact same wish...so there must be hundreds of the same wish up there...

 I don't mean to sound impatient...or pushy... but... 

Is there any way you can send that wish my way anytime soon?

Patiently and impatiently waiting,

Any other Gleeks out there?

{Nap-time Confession}

You know you have a problem when you find yourself often daydreaming about having a live band playing your favorite song while you belt out the solo (on pitch) and dance around in sync with other random strangers who join in all knowing the same song and same dance moves as if they were all long lost friends.

Yes that happens to me. Not just once but pretty much every day. 

I blame Glee.

Before you judge- because I know Glee has been criticized- I have to mention that I have only seen a number of old episodes that they have on Netflix and it is from those episodes- that I am officially a gleek.

There I said it. I am a gleek.

I just love the dancing- the music... the awkward characters...
... maybe a little too much.

I even have Mister watching with me at night before going to bed... it is my current guilty pleasure.

Don't you wish every day was a musical- people dancing and singing in sync to lyrics that represent their exact feelings at that exact moment.

It would be amazing.

That is all.

Besitos

xoxo-

Own your Mess

Do you have your washable paints and large piece of paper?


First, start off by choosing a color and squirting it on the page.

Mindfully dip your finger in the paint...notice how it feels under your fingers and your initial reaction to the paint.

 Then, begin smearing it across the page. 

Squirt another color wherever you like on the page.

Smear. Mix. Observe.

Now, if you feel ready for the good stuff ...place your entire hand on the page and squish it between your fingers and see what happens as you mix.

I had to put the camera down...but I then placed both hands in there and just played in the paint observing how I felt while I was doing it.

It seemed like the longer I was in my mess- the more relaxing it became for me.

There you have it.

Now for you advanced mess makers: PURPOSELY wipe your hands on your shirt... and then LEAVE it there for the rest of the day.

I dare you.

I went into work with this lovely on mine... and no I didn't explain to anyone...I just owned my mess.

Can you own yours?

Let me know how it goes!

besitos,
xo

Challenge: Make a Mess.

I have been wanting to do monthly challenges for myself to share with anyone who wants to join me for awhile now and I have decided that it's finally time to start...why wait- so, to follow up with this post of me as an anxious slightly OCD child who was afraid to make a mistake- I've decided this month's challenge is to:

 I am not that child anymore- in fact, I think I just may be more slightly on the opposite side of the spectrum of that child. I don't really consider it a good or bad thing to be the way I was... but I do know that I feel way more FREE.

 I attribute this shift to my field of study and going through a crazy three year graduate school program that really had me tapping into my personal patterns/issues and then making the conscious decision to let go of that little pleaser in me.

I also, attribute it to finding an outlet through photography and expressive arts that allows me to find my voice.

And lastly, I also attribute it to surrounding myself with people including the children and teenagers I work with who are so genuine and so real and for the most part not afraid of what other's think. 

It is a reminder to me that we all have inner children who need to come out and set us free from our so serious adult mess-avoiders.

So...

to get started- I want you to get your hands on this book and read it. You can read more about this book and my love for it here.

or

watch this video here:

Then I want you to grab some washable finger paint or regular washable paint and a large piece of paper and come back tomorrow to see what I am going to have you do with it...

I'm off to go do my challenge...post my photos tomorrow!

besitos, 

xo

Me as a grade schooler...

When I was in my early years of grade school-  my mom went to parent teacher conference and the teacher reported being very "pleased" with my hard work and behavior in school.

After a long pause she continued on with, "However, I am concerned with her stomach." Basically stating that at moments I seemed anxious or nervous...

...and she was right.

{The perfectionist at age 5 and practicing staying in the lines}

My stomach often was in knots or had dancing butterflies whirling inside.

I was nervous.

I put a lot of pressure on myself to please my teacher and my parents... and well myself really. It hung over my head each and every day as I tried to do my work "perfectly." My mom recalls moments when I would be practicing my handwriting and would not get a certain letter to be just the way I wanted- I would end up erasing holes into my paper and then crumple it up and start over...and over...and over again.

 I took school really seriously (a little to seriously- why didn't anyone tell me elementary grades didn't really count towards anything!) and therefore, I was slightly obsessive about it.

Maybe a touch of OCD?

 I was that kid that never had to be reminded to do my homework. I just did it. The consequence of not having it turned in was enough to make me never forget an assignment...EVER. 

I was a mother's dream.

Luckily,  that perfectionist little girl- the girl who felt like she had to do everything perfectly- is just a distant memory. 

Today, I am much more free. I am okay to not have everything go as planned. I am okay with leaving a mess...a little too good at that one- I think. I am okay about coloring outside of the lines or making a mistake. And I am okay about not being perfect and pleasing everyone.

It was through expressive art journaling-  that I have found how to let go of controlling an outcome and just roll with what is.

 It is what it is- is now my motto or in the words of p90x's Tony- Do your best forget the rest.

 I will be introducing you my monthly challenge tomorrow...it involves making a mess...

  

But when does a little healthy does of anxiety in children become a problem?

What do you think?

 If you think your child may have anxiety about school or anxiety in general read more signs here.

besitos,
xo

Fill up My Wishing Well.

Nap-time Confession:

I woke up feeling slightly... well lost today.
 For starters...I thought it was Monday- So I am pretending it is...okay?

 Since my miscarriage back in April, I have felt an emptiness that causes my heart to ache every once in awhile...and then it's followed by me trying to shake it off by focusing on what I do have instead of what I don't.
But the pain is still there.

There are moments like today where I feel like I just need some time to grieve again...where the cravings for oreos and ice cream are strong. :)

 As the days become shorter and the evenings begin to cool off, internally I know another season is approaching...

...the season in which my baby would have arrived.

One more season where my dreams and hopes didn't seem to come true.

I knew something strange was up as I spoke to my little sister Bee on the phone today and found myself sobbing as I told her of the experience of taking yet another pregnancy test just to read the dreaded words, "Not Pregnant." I prepared myself for worst case scenario as I usually do and placed it on the counter to come back a few minutes later to find that one line. I gently laid it in the garbage because I knew I would be back a few minutes later to see if it would have magically changed.
 It didn't.
Here is my current WEED:

In my sister's wisdom and very much relating to what I was going through, she reminded me of the different trials that each and everyone of us goes through to be taught the lesson or gain the strength we need at that time. I may not understand it right now in the moment- but I know there is a bright spot in my future. I mean really- I already have many bright spots- I am so blessed.
I am.
Here are some of them during out carnival time this past weekend.

My current WISHES:

For Music Monday (although it is Tuesday) here is a song called Wishing Well my sister recently wrote... about the very idea of wanting something so badly that it hurts. I needed to hear this again today. Thanks Bianca.

I think my little man is up from his nap... Thanks for letting me get that out... now I am going to refocus and spend time with my little bright spot.

besitos

xo

Scattered...

Nap-time Confession right here:

I have been feeling a tad bit scattered lately from the summer traveling and...well from my mind really. It's constantly thinking of great new ideas and posts I want to post but haven't had the time...it seems as though once I put one project down to make more time- I then pick up another project without realizing it!
Story of my life.

  I may have mentioned that {here} once before when I was closing my private practice. I just have so many passions for so many different things...so I start new business, new blogs, new projects...I think I may be a project hoarder. I can never have just ONE of anything... is this an addiction to multiples?
 I am a gemini.

So, the wheels in my head have been turning for sometime now and I have decided to consolidate a little bit more in my life once again and am revamping the front page of this blog to be able to consolidate several other blogs and workshops and projects I will be doing this fall... I'll explain more later... still sorting things out.

Bare with me okay...?

But I thought I would share a little funny moment. Well, to me it was funny...


 I was doing a photo shoot for a post I was writing for How Does She  on fashion in New York City, when all of a sudden I heard a band coming down the sidewalk...
 all wearing I heart NY shirts....

...I froze. 

...then posed...

...Which was a mistake because I almost got trampled. 

Then I was strung along down the sidewalk to a local pub they were all meeting at.

Only in New York.

Pretty sure you had to be there.
More photos of this over {here.}
Besitos xo,

missing you.

I just got back from a fun weekend of visiting family... and I have so many posts I want to share with you... 

but today I feel a little blue... 

my heart feels a little empty without these two... 

I miss my sisters. 

I miss my mom.

Why do we have to live so far apart?

besitos, 

xo

Less load yet less time. {Letter #5 to myself}

Dear 30 year old crazy woman-

Why does it seem like the more you take OFF your plate to so called "simply" your life- the more you put on it? I appreciate the fact you acknowledge you have a problem with taking on too much... You are the first to admit it... BUT WHY IN THE WORLD DON'T YOU CHANGE? 

 What happened to June being your birthday month of play and rest? Well my friend, June came and went... and instead of it being relaxing and peaceful...it ended up being the busiest month you had this year! That is until July came around... so- SLOW DOWN!

I appreciate your efforts in taking a proactive approach by closing your private practice, turning down potential photography clients, taking the summer off from work,  and even delegating some time consuming tasks to others willing to take them on. Thumbs up. But don't you know that being proactive in reducing your load also means saying "NO" to opportunities that come your way? Practice with me saying, "I am sorry, I can't seem to fit that in my schedule." Not so bad right? I know I know- you love what you do and want to do those things...

but if your summer goals were to practice being more "domestic" and engage in things such as baking fresh bread, planting that butterfly garden, or learning how to sew pillows for your couch... then...where is the bread?

Don't even let me get started on your email accounts. How does a person have accrue 11,662 no wait- notification on my phone went off- make that 11,663-  unread emails across four different emails? And how does a person have twice that many photos to edit or be categorized just sitting in your computer? You got me.

Will the day come when you are caught up and can just sit and enjoy the now? 

Is it possible to ever get caught up?

This is your year.
It's time

You can do it.

xo, 

Letter to my dad.

Dear dad,

Thanks for always believing that I could do anything I set my mind to...because I truly believe in that now.

Thanks for taking me around different parts of the world and giving us what you liked to call "A reality check" on how good we have it. I see the world differently because of that.

Thanks for encouraging us to keep in touch with our El Salvadorian heritage- you always were up for latin dancing and papusas.

Thanks for taking us to Annie during the Christmas holiday.

Thanks for teaching us how to serve and how to love the people of Latin America.

Thanks for staying up late with me and helping me decorate the coolest Valentine's box in the entire fourth grade class.

Thanks for helping me with my math homework.

Thanks for taking early morning jogs or going to Bikram yoga with me.

Thanks for encouraging us to learn spanish.

Thanks for teaching me how to ride a bike....even though you let go and I had to get stitches. I forgive you.

Thanks for teaching me how to ski...or at least attempting and then buying me snowboarding lessons.

Thanks for taking me to my first concert in 7th grade (Alanis Morrissette)  and sitting far enough away so you wouldn't embarrass me in front of my friends. 

Thanks for taking us hiking and backpacking despite getting lost for hours at times.

Thanks for taking work off early to see me run in track or cross-country and occasionally even running by my side during the long runs. 

Thanks for teaching us how to hook worms and gut fish. 

Thanks for giving me your camera and teaching me some pointers in photography that have stayed with me forever.

Thanks for driving down to Mexico when our VW van broke down and then riding a hot and long car ride home. 

Thanks for helping us move in 113 degree weather and then driving across country. 

Thanks for always picking up your phone when I call or answering my text- even if it is past your bed time.

Thanks for the Newsies Broadway tickets for my 30th birthday... it was amazing.

Thanks for being my dad.

Love you.

xo Besitos,

Wherever they are is home. (letter #4)

Dear 30 year old self- (letter #4)

I have been away for a few days from these two. Despite how much FUN I had with my sister's and my mom- I couldn't wait to get home. It seemed like such a long flight back home as I longed to be in Mister's arms again and kiss those soft cheeks of my Little Man. 

They are my home. 

Nothing is better than being right there nestled up to them both. 

Last night I couldn't resist...I let Little Man sleep in our bed. I slept right in the middle... well knowing that I was going to have the most terrible night of sleep (which I did) with Little Man tossing and turning- I didn't care. 

I stayed awake and took in the moment giving thanks for having them in my life. 

The morning came too quickly. It was time to get out of bed and part ways once again.

One thing I have learned is that it doesn't matter where I am... my home is wherever these two guys are.

I love my boys.


Sincerely, One lucky (30 year-old) gal.

besitos, xo

My birthday gift of TIME. (letter #3)

 What every girl wants for her birthday... TIME.

This glass vase reminds me of what's really important.

This letter comes again from another inspiration I had at Women's Conference a month ago. I was reminded of the rock, pebble, and sand metaphor in managing time.

The first priorities were placed in the jar first- they were the big rocks or my ESSENTIALS. What were the things in my life that were absolutely non-negotiable and essential?

-Making memories with my family 

-Teaching and playing with my children

-Enriching my marriage

-Keeping connections with friends and family

-Praying, reading scriptures, temple, and pondering spiritual matters

-Serving those who are in need

The pebbles are second- they are my "Want-tos." I want to counsel. I want to take photographs. I want to blog. I want to workout. I want to be a great cook. You get the idea.

And lastly, there is the sand that fills in the cracks of the jar- those I like to call my "Be nice-tos"

such as it would be nice to get a massage, it would be nice to eat lunch with a girlfriend, it would be nice to take a bubble bath without interruptions- you catch my drift. The things are still really important and good things but ranked third on the daily priority list.

Dear 30 year old self-

It's official. Today, I am 30.

I can't believe it.

At times I still feel like I am still 18- with the same energy and vibrancy for life but looking through the eyes of 30 year old.  

20's were good to me. Marriage, buying our first home, Graduate School, new job, and the life changing event of becoming a mother.

 With motherhood, I feel like my priorities in life have changed. All of a sudden those once important things that were so important in my early twenties don't matter as much anymore. I now have a little soul I am in charge of (and absolutely in love with) and want to provide the best life that I can possible.

Watching him grow so quickly is a reminder that time does not in fact stand still. He is growing older. 

And so am I.

I want to cherish every moment I have with my friends and family.

So, my gift to myself is this vase that represents my TIME and is filled with with rocks (essentials), pebbles (want-tos), dirt (nice-tos), and a succulent plant (joy). It is my reminder of the gift I am giving myself this year... and forever.  

The gift of time. 

I want to start each day with my ESSENTIAL ROCKS even if that means waking up earlier to accomplish them. Maybe I can learn to be a morning person this decade- hasn't happened yet in the last three.

I am hoping to spend my thirties with balance, peace and happiness- enjoying every moment that I am granted.

And now, I must go- pay attention to those essentials.

Much love, 

The birthday girl

besitos, xo

#1 chocolate chip cookie recipe. (letter #2)

Dear 30 year old self- (letter #4)

I know I just blogged a few days ago about how food is "just food"-  but I have to admit- that applies to every other food BUT cookies. 

I adore cookies... eating them, baking them, dipping them in milk- they are just delightful! 

I was once given the nick name "cookie monster" for loving cookies so much. I've been known to finish an entire batch all by myself- (that was back when my metabolism was amazing) but now a days, I like to allow myself one day of guilt free baking. Those days are usually Sundays...and I like to call them my "Sweet Sundays." Something about mixing the ingredients with a wooden spoon,  inhaling all the ingredients as they mix together is heaven on earth. Not to mention getting to lick the spoon afterwards. MMMM...I am making myself hungry. Anyhow I hope to continue to bake more cookies for years to come. 

Sinserly, Cookie Monster

I have found the most delightfully chewy chocolate chip recipe ever!! I found it here on pinterest and have been making these lovlies ever since. They are divine! 

Ingredients: 

3/4 c. unsalted butter, softened 

3/4 c. brown sugar 

1/4 c. granulated sugar 

1 egg 

2 tsp. vanilla extract 

2 c. all purpose flour 

2 tsp. cornstarch 

1 tsp. baking soda 

1/2 tsp. salt 

1 c. bittersweet chocolate chips

Directions:

1.  Preheat oven to 350 degrees F.

2.  In the bowl of a stand mixer fitted with a paddle attachment, cream together butter and sugars until fluffy and light in color. Add egg and vanilla and blend in.

3.  Mix in flour, cornstarch, baking soda and salt. Stir in chocolate chunks.

4.  Using a standard-sized cookie scoop or tablespoon, drop dough onto a prepared baking sheet.  Bake for 8-10 minutes, until barely golden brown around the edges.  (The tops will not brown, but do NOT cook longer than ten minutes.)

5.  Let cool, on the sheet, on a wire rack for five minutes.  Remove from baking sheet and let cool completely.  Makes approximately 3 dozen.  Try not to eat them all.

besitos, xo