"Warning: Not for Pregnant Women."

Tears stream down my face as I hear the sound of rain trickle down my window. Why is it that during times of sorrow it always seems to be raining? I find peace in the sound- It reminds me that I am alive. It is the sound of cleansing. A subject that I am all too familiar after this weekend. 

For the past 48 hours my body has been cleansing it self.... I received four little tablets that apparently are not meant for pregnant people. See the Warning label. As I looked at the label- I thought... "but I am still pregnant...my baby is just not alive." Those little words on the package that stared back at me were a harsh reminder that I was about to not be pregnant anymore. And it all of a sudden felt so real. A little too real. Once again with the ugly cry.

Then I laid next to the Mister and we attempted to watch what we were hoping would be a funny Adam Sandler Movie- Jack and Jill (it wasn't) ... and we fell asleep within minutes.

2 am rolled around....AYE AYE AYE! The physical pain was up there with the emotional pain... it was intense. I want to know why in the world did no one tell me that it would be utterly painful and utterly disgusting...I mean something out of a horror movie! I seriously felt like I was going into labor...but with additional grossness... I now have the new record for spending the most time in the shower in one day. I think I took 9 showers that day. I will spare you the details but it was unbelievable. (Warning I am about to get gross) And once I saw the little sac that carried my baby plop out... I couldn't help but stare at it... examine it. Maybe even poke it a little to see if I could see anything inside.  So crazy. Then it seemed even more real. I really wasn't pregnant anymore. My baby wasn't really alive. 

Then I wasn't sure...do I flush it down the toilet? It seems wrong- it's not a goldfish.... but burying it in the backyard where it would most likely be unburied and eaten by our dog Guapo didn't seem right either.

I flushed it.
Although I sometimes wished I did burry it next to a flower garden or something more meaningful. 

Today I seriously felt "unpregnant" (I don't think that's a word)...chubby still but certainly not pregnant. No nausea. No extremely crazy fatigue (which I don't know how considering what my body went through).

Wow.  I am not pregnant.

Almost three months of pregnancy torture... and I am not pregnant. I wish it was a rule that if you had a miscarriage and got pregnant again that you would be pick up where you left off. You would have earned a credit towards your next pregnancy. I would automatically be close to finishing with the first trimester! Sweet!

Speaking of next pregnancy-

This morning I found this fortune in my bed.

 I have no idea where it came from because I just changed the sheets yesterday so it recently showed up again from a fortune I opened up months ago.,. But it meant the world to me. 

Besitots, 

xoxo

P.S. I finished off the pack of Mint Oreos today. I don't have any regrets. It was delicious.