Sunday, March 25, 2012

"Warning: Not for Pregnant Women."

Tears stream down my face as I hear the sound of rain trickle down my window. Why is it that during times of sorrow it always seems to be raining? I find peace in the sound- It reminds me that I am alive. It is the sound of cleansing. A subject that I am all too familiar after this weekend. 

For the past 48 hours my body has been cleansing it self.... I received four little tablets that apparently are not meant for pregnant people. See the Warning label. As I looked at the label- I thought... "but I am still baby is just not alive." Those little words on the package that stared back at me were a harsh reminder that I was about to not be pregnant anymore. And it all of a sudden felt so real. A little too real. Once again with the ugly cry.

Then I laid next to the Mister and we attempted to watch what we were hoping would be a funny Adam Sandler Movie- Jack and Jill (it wasn't) ... and we fell asleep within minutes.

2 am rolled around....AYE AYE AYE! The physical pain was up there with the emotional pain... it was intense. I want to know why in the world did no one tell me that it would be utterly painful and utterly disgusting...I mean something out of a horror movie! I seriously felt like I was going into labor...but with additional grossness... I now have the new record for spending the most time in the shower in one day. I think I took 9 showers that day. I will spare you the details but it was unbelievable. (Warning I am about to get gross) And once I saw the little sac that carried my baby plop out... I couldn't help but stare at it... examine it. Maybe even poke it a little to see if I could see anything inside.  So crazy. Then it seemed even more real. I really wasn't pregnant anymore. My baby wasn't really alive. 

Then I wasn't I flush it down the toilet? It seems wrong- it's not a goldfish.... but burying it in the backyard where it would most likely be unburied and eaten by our dog Guapo didn't seem right either.
I flushed it.
Although I sometimes wished I did burry it next to a flower garden or something more meaningful. 

Today I seriously felt "unpregnant" (I don't think that's a word)...chubby still but certainly not pregnant. No nausea. No extremely crazy fatigue (which I don't know how considering what my body went through).

Wow.  I am not pregnant.
Almost three months of pregnancy torture... and I am not pregnant. I wish it was a rule that if you had a miscarriage and got pregnant again that you would be pick up where you left off. You would have earned a credit towards your next pregnancy. I would automatically be close to finishing with the first trimester! Sweet!

Speaking of next pregnancy-

This morning I found this fortune in my bed.

 I have no idea where it came from because I just changed the sheets yesterday so it recently showed up again from a fortune I opened up months ago.,. But it meant the world to me. 


P.S. I finished off the pack of Mint Oreos today. I don't have any regrets. It was delicious. 


  1. First time reading your blog was yesterday. You are in my thoughts.

  2. Oh Cristi, I am so sorry. My heart broke for you and Brooks and Nixon as I read your last two posts. This is so hard. My sister went through THREE miscarriages before having her two little boys. It was awful. And a lot of ugly crying. I totally agree! Miscarriages should give you credit to the next pregnancy. Esp. when the first tri sucks SO bad and then it's in vain! Duh! How can we get that officially changed in the world?! You are all in my prayers. Sending heaps of love.

  3. I am so sorry! Even though I have never had a miscarriage, I know a little something about grieving over children! : ) Hang in there. You are strong and can do this. I'll keep you in my prayers!

  4. My. heart. is. aching... for you right now. I shed sympathetic tears as I read your posts this morning. I know nothing of miscarriage, but your thoughts put many other "life lessons" into perspective for me. I am going through a "spiritual crisis" of sorts. Ironically, the meassage "Continue in Patience" from Elder Uchtdorf ( came to mind this morning. Not sure if it will lift your spirits like it did mine when I was hoping and excitied for something only to have it NOT happen. (Either way, President Uchtdorf is easy on the eyes, am I right?) Patience is a word I am slowly learning to understand... "Gods promises are not always fulfilled as quickly or in the way we might hope. Patience means staying with something until the end. It means delaying immediate gratification for future blessings. The work of patience boils down to this, Keep the commandments, trust in God, our Heavenly Father, serve Him with meekness and Christlike love, exercise faith and hope in the Savior and never give up." Keeping you and yours in my thoughts- XOXO!

  5. Wow, I thought that the fortune cookie message was something that Brooks put there for you to find. I can't believe it actually is a fortune that just popped up out of nowhere! Angels are with you, I know they are. So Joseph is so cute, he's been praying for you and his sister Sarah for months now in our prayers together. I am always surprised when he does because he never seems to forget. Maybe he was prompted to do so because God knew it was going to be hard and you would need the extra prayers. All I know is that He is aware of every detail of our lives, and I know that this experience, for whatever reason, will somehow work together for your good and the good of your family. I really do believe that. Love you so much.

  6. We have been thinking about you all weekend long. I know how happy and excited you were about the new member of our family. I feel honored to be your mother and hope that soon you'll get to hold another little one in your arms. You are an amazing wonderful mommy. I am confident that the Lord will bless you with the desires of your heart. Keep up the faith.

  7. I am going thrugh the same thing. I am 16 years old. The baby was concieved on april 30th which means I am 11 weeks and 3 days pregnant. 2 days ago I went to th doctors to hear the heartbeat. Come to find out the my child was no longer alive. It quit growing at 6 weeks 5 days. I am still pregnant, I never miscarried. I am getting a D and C section done today. I know how it feels to lose a child as of now. It's completely unbearable. The only reason I am not cryin at this moment is because I donkt think I can anymore. I'm sorry for your loss.

    1. Lauren- Let me start by saying- I am sorry that you are going through this. It is difficult for others to quite fully understand the pain and grief of loosing something you never really had. Keep you chin up...brighter days to come. I promise.