I have a secret... but might not be what you think.

2/17/10- day of Little Man's Birth

Yesterday was the day I was going to share with you a little secret. Something that I have really wanted to get off my chest for sometime.

 For the past two months I have been fatigued, nauseous, forgetting stuff,  gaining a little extra spare tire around the belly, and pretty much not myself. 

I was am pregnant. 

I have been so exhausted that any spare moment I  was either eating (to take away my nausea), hovering over the toilet (especially after brushing my teeth- for some reason I alway wanted to vomit after), or curling up with a blanket in the fetal position (rocking and reminding myself that I was only a few weeks away from being done with the first trimester). 

Well, I wish I could be done with my post right there! Surprise! My weight gain, pale skin, and bags under my eyes all have a reason. 

But this story has turned into a different ending... one that seems oddly familiar with all the "surprises" with little man's pregnancy. 

You see,  yesterday was the day I met my new doctor (who I really like by the way) and we  had our first ultrasound. Brooks took off important meetings at work to be there to listen to the heartbeat of our new little person. We found out we were pregnant January 26th and I was estimating that  I was between 11-12 weeks along. 

 Two hours of filling out paperwork, reading new baby material (and getting really excited), drawing blood. talking with the nurse and then meeting and talking to the doctor- I got to hop up on the bed to take a peek at my baby.

Then, deja vu. She had a abnormally calm face and states, "Hmmmmm here is baby- looks like about 9 weeks (which in mind I thought couldn't be- I am at least 11 or 12!) and let me see if I can find it's heartbeat again-oops I thought I saw it but it's not there... hmmmm let's see if I can pick it up again." 

My heart sank. 

Everyone in the room was silent. Please oh please God I beg you- let me hear a little heartbeat...please let me hear you.  I looked over at Brooks and we exchanged a too familiar look that we often did when I was pregnant with Little Man- it's the "No seriously this can't be happening..." look.

But after searching for several minutes and continual pleading in my mind...

no heartbeat.

Remaining still abnormally calm, my doctor proceeded to do the other womanly procedures (the yearly  ones that I really don't look forward to) and then tried the uncomfortable wand thingy to see if we can get a better look...

Still... no heartbeat.

Devastated, but trying to hold myself together I tried to focus on all the sympathy and important medical things my doctor was telling me about, but all I could see was her lips moving- no sound. Something about D and C and how nature has it's way of illuminating non-thriving babies and to not put any blame on anything I could have done. But the thoughts that consumed my mind were "My baby died. My baby is not going to be MY baby. How long has it been? Did I do something wrong? Did I take too hot of a shower, push it too hard at crossfit, stay up too late one night editing photos, lay on my belly in my sleep? Did little man accidently step on my belly when he was rough housing....?"All these irrational thoughts came flooding into my mind as I walked myself into the bathroom and stood over the sink...

 and wept.

 But I mean the sobbing ugly cry with stream of mascara and snot running down your face type of cry. I wanted to fall onto my knees and not ever get up.

"Why me!!!???"

I am young. I don't drink. I don't smoke. I don't do drugs. I have an amazingly low heart-rate and blood-pressure. (Doctors and nurses always comment on that), I exercise regularly, I try to avoid preservatives and unhealthy food whenever I can... I eat ORGANIC EGGS AND MILK FOR CRYING OUT LOUD... I JUICE VEGGIES AND DRINK IT...  WHY....WHY ME!!!! 

I actually WANT to be pregnant! I actually WANT to have a baby to hold and take care of for eternity. Can I just have a healthy normal pregnancy like what seems to be everyone else??? 

Well after being rushed to Fetal Medicine (once again deja vu experience) and for the next hour endured the poking and prodding of doctors while they make uncomfortable small talk with you and avoid telling you anything until the very end... 

no heartbeat.  Baby didn't progress past 9 weeks.

Once again I locked the bathroom door and looked into the mirror and made the ugliest cry face I could and watched the tears stream down my face and into the sink. 

This was going to be a long weekend.

Needless to say, we finished the day by comforting ourself with food and had a gigantic steak burrito at Chipotle and later drowned our sorrows with my favorite thing....

So my little secret of " Guess what I AM PREGGERS!!" is  now my secret of "Guess what I am pregnant and I am having a miscarriage."

You will be hearing from me more often... I have grief process going on that needs to come out.

Thanks for listening.

besitos, 

xo