Saturday, March 24, 2012

I have a secret... but might not be what you think.

2/17/10- day of Little Man's Birth

Yesterday was the day I was going to share with you a little secret. Something that I have really wanted to get off my chest for sometime.

 For the past two months I have been fatigued, nauseous, forgetting stuff,  gaining a little extra spare tire around the belly, and pretty much not myself. 

I was am pregnant. 

I have been so exhausted that any spare moment I  was either eating (to take away my nausea), hovering over the toilet (especially after brushing my teeth- for some reason I alway wanted to vomit after), or curling up with a blanket in the fetal position (rocking and reminding myself that I was only a few weeks away from being done with the first trimester). 



Well, I wish I could be done with my post right there! Surprise! My weight gain, pale skin, and bags under my eyes all have a reason. 

But this story has turned into a different ending... one that seems oddly familiar with all the "surprises" with little man's pregnancy. 

You see,  yesterday was the day I met my new doctor (who I really like by the way) and we  had our first ultrasound. Brooks took off important meetings at work to be there to listen to the heartbeat of our new little person. We found out we were pregnant January 26th and I was estimating that  I was between 11-12 weeks along. 

 Two hours of filling out paperwork, reading new baby material (and getting really excited), drawing blood. talking with the nurse and then meeting and talking to the doctor- I got to hop up on the bed to take a peek at my baby.

Then, deja vu. She had a abnormally calm face and states, "Hmmmmm here is baby- looks like about 9 weeks (which in mind I thought couldn't be- I am at least 11 or 12!) and let me see if I can find it's heartbeat again-oops I thought I saw it but it's not there... hmmmm let's see if I can pick it up again." 

My heart sank. 

Everyone in the room was silent. Please oh please God I beg you- let me hear a little heartbeat...please let me hear you.  I looked over at Brooks and we exchanged a too familiar look that we often did when I was pregnant with Little Man- it's the "No seriously this can't be happening..." look.

But after searching for several minutes and continual pleading in my mind...

no heartbeat.


Remaining still abnormally calm, my doctor proceeded to do the other womanly procedures (the yearly  ones that I really don't look forward to) and then tried the uncomfortable wand thingy to see if we can get a better look...

Still... no heartbeat.




Devastated, but trying to hold myself together I tried to focus on all the sympathy and important medical things my doctor was telling me about, but all I could see was her lips moving- no sound. Something about D and C and how nature has it's way of illuminating non-thriving babies and to not put any blame on anything I could have done. But the thoughts that consumed my mind were "My baby died. My baby is not going to be MY baby. How long has it been? Did I do something wrong? Did I take too hot of a shower, push it too hard at crossfit, stay up too late one night editing photos, lay on my belly in my sleep? Did little man accidently step on my belly when he was rough housing....?"All these irrational thoughts came flooding into my mind as I walked myself into the bathroom and stood over the sink...

 and wept.

 But I mean the sobbing ugly cry with stream of mascara and snot running down your face type of cry. I wanted to fall onto my knees and not ever get up.

"Why me!!!???"

I am young. I don't drink. I don't smoke. I don't do drugs. I have an amazingly low heart-rate and blood-pressure. (Doctors and nurses always comment on that), I exercise regularly, I try to avoid preservatives and unhealthy food whenever I can... I eat ORGANIC EGGS AND MILK FOR CRYING OUT LOUD... I JUICE VEGGIES AND DRINK IT...  WHY....WHY ME!!!! 

I actually WANT to be pregnant! I actually WANT to have a baby to hold and take care of for eternity. Can I just have a healthy normal pregnancy like what seems to be everyone else??? 

Well after being rushed to Fetal Medicine (once again deja vu experience) and for the next hour endured the poking and prodding of doctors while they make uncomfortable small talk with you and avoid telling you anything until the very end... 

no heartbeat.  Baby didn't progress past 9 weeks.


Once again I locked the bathroom door and looked into the mirror and made the ugliest cry face I could and watched the tears stream down my face and into the sink. 

This was going to be a long weekend.

Needless to say, we finished the day by comforting ourself with food and had a gigantic steak burrito at Chipotle and later drowned our sorrows with my favorite thing....





So my little secret of " Guess what I AM PREGGERS!!" is  now my secret of "Guess what I am pregnant and I am having a miscarriage."

You will be hearing from me more often... I have grief process going on that needs to come out.

Thanks for listening.

besitos, 
xo

19 comments:

  1. I'm so sorry for your loss. I, too, have experienced the same thing.. unexpected miscarriages. The book "Good too Soon- The Life and Loss of Infants and Unborn Children", by Sherri Devashrayee Wittwer, was a great source of comfort for me. A good friend gave it to me when I miscarried twins. If you are able to find it, I encourage you to read it... it gives good perspective. Sending you warm thoughts. Mindi

    ps. I won a previous drawing for the Happiest Toddler on the block book.. I sent you my address but did not hear from you. Can you confirm when you mail it out, so I know to keep an eye out for it? again, much thanks.

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    1. Thanks Mindi! I appreciate the book! I will look it up! Also, I am so glad you commented- I was wondering if you ever responded- I am not sure I got your message with your address. Do you mind sending it to me again. My email is cristidame@gmail.com!

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  2. Oh boy, just noticed what I typed. It was called Gone Too Soon... not GOOD Too Soon. Published by Covenant Communications. Sorry about that.

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  3. cristi, when i read this post i cried. i am so sorry to hear the news :( eh, pregnancy is so fragile! keep being strong and the lord will bless you and your little family. in the meantime i hope you ate lots of oreos! thank you for being so honest and for sharing this. you never know who you are helping...

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  4. Oh, Cristi, I'm so sorry. Tears streaming down my face kind of sorry. And it brings back deja vu of a nearly identical doctor appointment I had just last march after trying to get pregnant for nearly two years and finally getting pregnant last January. And after a very not normal pregnancy with Leah. We really should chat. It just stinks and that is all. I wish I could tell you that things will work out and you will someday get another child, but I can't. I can tell you that I'm thinking of you and praying for you. Thanks for posting your thoughts.

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  5. I'm so sorry Cristi. Your honesty is refreshing, and I hope you find some peace and comfort soon.

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  6. So sorry...my heart is breaking with yours. xo

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  7. We've been praying...and thinking of you guys all weekend. I can't wait to see you in a few weeks so we can cry together in person. How I long to give you a huge hug. Miss you sister, and love you so much.

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  8. I thank you all for your sweet words. So comforting for me. I feel you love and your prayers. I really do.

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  9. So sorry to hear your news :( we had a similar experience in January (apparently my body hasn't recovered because almost 3 months later I still haven't had a period yet!). I remember so anxiously looking forward to the second trimester, soon realizing that it would never come...take care of yourself and rest up for a few days. At least we know the Lord has a plan for everything...sending prayers your way :)

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  10. I am so sorry for you and your family. Unfortunately, I have experienced that twice and with the last one I came across a quote that actually gave me some peace about it. "An angel in the book of life wrote down my baby's birth.
    Then whispered as she closed the book "too beautiful for earth"

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  11. Oh Cristi,
    My heart is breaking for you and Brooks. I know that nothing I can say will make things less painful at this point, just know that we are thinking about you guys and sending prayers your way. If there is ANYTHING we can do, don't hesitate to ask. We love you.
    Angie, Will, and Reagan

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  12. Angie, Will, and ReaganMarch 26, 2012 at 11:52 AM

    Oh Cristi,
    My heart is breaking for you and Brooks. I know that nothing I can say will make things less painful at this point, just know that we are thinking about you guys and sending prayers your way. If there is ANYTHING we can do, don't hesitate to ask. We love you.
    Angie, Will, and Reagan

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  13. I'm so, so sorry. What a terrible experience for anyone to endure. We will keep your family in our prayers and hope for better news before too long.

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  14. Cristi,
    I wept when I read your post this morning and have been trying to think of the right thing to say all day. I'm so sorry for your loss. You are an amazing woman, wife and mother and deserve all of life's blessings. I don't know why this happened, but I do know that the little children that you counsel every week are blessed by your knowledge and motherly love every week. Most women only get to raise their own children, but you are raising a village of children with your therapy. You are a beautiful writer and please know that your words have touched us all. We love you and I will pray that your fortune cookie message will come true sooner than later.
    Love,
    Holly

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  15. Cristi,

    Though I am a newer follower, I was in tears for you when I read this. I can't even begin to imagine what you are going through and hope that the healing gets a little easier as each day goes by. You and your family are in my prayers...

    -Lindsay

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  16. Darling I am so sad for you. I can't imagine the way you are feeling. You are a beautiful, sweet, admirable woman, and you deserve all the happiness in the world. Chin up girl, every little thing is going to be alright.

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  17. Cristi,

    I can't stop thinking about you and I am so sorry for your loss. You are such a good writer and wrote your story beautifully. What a wonderful mother you are, and you help other mothers to be better also! I admire the many great things you do and the way you inspire others. We love you guys and we hope and pray you will find better days to come.

    Love,

    Nicole

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  18. Hi Cristi, I am sharing your pain, I had your same experience last year. At my 12 weeks check I found out that there was no heartbeat and baby stopped progressing at 9. Needless to say how tragic this was for me and it is for you. All I can say though is that there is always a bigger plan that takes place and justify what happens to us in life.
    Few months my D&C and miscarriage I found out that my second child was diagnosed with Asperger syndrome and needed all my time and support to go through this initial face of acceptance.
    Hold on to yourself and the people you love.
    Love,
    Me.

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