October's Challenge: Be Still.

 Bright color leaves begin to float about in the wind. The air is beginning to take on a different crisp smell and feel to my cheeks. I love to grasp onto a a mug of hot apple cider and just feel my hands warm up.
It's October.

The signal that the end of the year is near and anticipation for the holidays here.

Although October is one of my favorite months, my heart aches with very mixed emotions about this month.

 For this reason, I have decided that this month's challenge is to:

October.

  It's a reminder. 

A reminder that I should be holding my brand new baby in my arms.

 I knew that the heartache and empty feeling would be strong this month as it reminds me of my miscarriage.

Boy was I right.

My heart does ache.

More than I could have imagined.

Floodgates open as tears flow in the most random times. I could be driving in the car and a particular song sends me into the ugly cry. It's almost as the more I try to set it aside the more it comes to the surface.

It's been a tough 6 months.

I long to be STILL and just listen to my inner voice.

 I long to be STILL and just observe.

I am allowing myself the time to be STILL...to hopefully continue to heal.

OCTOBER CHALLENGE:
I want you to start this challenge by thinking of a  number 1 to 12. Okay got it? Now think of a number between 1 and 59. Got it?

That is your time this week. For example, the number that came to my mind was 3 and then the next number was 2 so my time is 3:02pm. Now set your alarm on your phone for that time of the day- obviously adjust it to AM or PM during a time you are going to be awake.

This is a random time of the day where no matter what you are in the middle of you will take a two minute time out and just be STILL.

If you are in the middle of something with others- just simply excuse yourself and find a place you can close your eyes and observe the sounds, smells, and sense of touch you feel in those two minutes. That is all. No judgment...just observations.

  At first, those two minutes may seem like an eternity, but in time it will become easier. I promise.

You ready to join me??
Besitos,
xo

"Warning: Not for Pregnant Women."

Tears stream down my face as I hear the sound of rain trickle down my window. Why is it that during times of sorrow it always seems to be raining? I find peace in the sound- It reminds me that I am alive. It is the sound of cleansing. A subject that I am all too familiar after this weekend. 

For the past 48 hours my body has been cleansing it self.... I received four little tablets that apparently are not meant for pregnant people. See the Warning label. As I looked at the label- I thought... "but I am still pregnant...my baby is just not alive." Those little words on the package that stared back at me were a harsh reminder that I was about to not be pregnant anymore. And it all of a sudden felt so real. A little too real. Once again with the ugly cry.

Then I laid next to the Mister and we attempted to watch what we were hoping would be a funny Adam Sandler Movie- Jack and Jill (it wasn't) ... and we fell asleep within minutes.

2 am rolled around....AYE AYE AYE! The physical pain was up there with the emotional pain... it was intense. I want to know why in the world did no one tell me that it would be utterly painful and utterly disgusting...I mean something out of a horror movie! I seriously felt like I was going into labor...but with additional grossness... I now have the new record for spending the most time in the shower in one day. I think I took 9 showers that day. I will spare you the details but it was unbelievable. (Warning I am about to get gross) And once I saw the little sac that carried my baby plop out... I couldn't help but stare at it... examine it. Maybe even poke it a little to see if I could see anything inside.  So crazy. Then it seemed even more real. I really wasn't pregnant anymore. My baby wasn't really alive. 

Then I wasn't sure...do I flush it down the toilet? It seems wrong- it's not a goldfish.... but burying it in the backyard where it would most likely be unburied and eaten by our dog Guapo didn't seem right either.

I flushed it.
Although I sometimes wished I did burry it next to a flower garden or something more meaningful. 

Today I seriously felt "unpregnant" (I don't think that's a word)...chubby still but certainly not pregnant. No nausea. No extremely crazy fatigue (which I don't know how considering what my body went through).

Wow.  I am not pregnant.

Almost three months of pregnancy torture... and I am not pregnant. I wish it was a rule that if you had a miscarriage and got pregnant again that you would be pick up where you left off. You would have earned a credit towards your next pregnancy. I would automatically be close to finishing with the first trimester! Sweet!

Speaking of next pregnancy-

This morning I found this fortune in my bed.

 I have no idea where it came from because I just changed the sheets yesterday so it recently showed up again from a fortune I opened up months ago.,. But it meant the world to me. 

Besitots, 

xoxo

P.S. I finished off the pack of Mint Oreos today. I don't have any regrets. It was delicious.