Something I have always wanted...

Nap-time Confession

One year ago I had a baby growing in my belly.

Unfortunately, it didn't work out for us.  

Shortly after, I found this fortune in one of my fortune cookies.

Waiting patiently (and sometimes not so patiently)  I held onto to this fortune as a reminder of faith and hope that one day it would happen again.

Today...

I am officially sharing...

There is another baby growing in my belly. 

He is a boy.

I am excited to meet this little guy this June.

Besitos

xo

Fill up My Wishing Well.

Nap-time Confession:

I woke up feeling slightly... well lost today.
 For starters...I thought it was Monday- So I am pretending it is...okay?

 Since my miscarriage back in April, I have felt an emptiness that causes my heart to ache every once in awhile...and then it's followed by me trying to shake it off by focusing on what I do have instead of what I don't.
But the pain is still there.

There are moments like today where I feel like I just need some time to grieve again...where the cravings for oreos and ice cream are strong. :)

 As the days become shorter and the evenings begin to cool off, internally I know another season is approaching...

...the season in which my baby would have arrived.

One more season where my dreams and hopes didn't seem to come true.

I knew something strange was up as I spoke to my little sister Bee on the phone today and found myself sobbing as I told her of the experience of taking yet another pregnancy test just to read the dreaded words, "Not Pregnant." I prepared myself for worst case scenario as I usually do and placed it on the counter to come back a few minutes later to find that one line. I gently laid it in the garbage because I knew I would be back a few minutes later to see if it would have magically changed.
 It didn't.
Here is my current WEED:

In my sister's wisdom and very much relating to what I was going through, she reminded me of the different trials that each and everyone of us goes through to be taught the lesson or gain the strength we need at that time. I may not understand it right now in the moment- but I know there is a bright spot in my future. I mean really- I already have many bright spots- I am so blessed.
I am.
Here are some of them during out carnival time this past weekend.

My current WISHES:

For Music Monday (although it is Tuesday) here is a song called Wishing Well my sister recently wrote... about the very idea of wanting something so badly that it hurts. I needed to hear this again today. Thanks Bianca.

I think my little man is up from his nap... Thanks for letting me get that out... now I am going to refocus and spend time with my little bright spot.

besitos

xo

"Warning: Not for Pregnant Women."

Tears stream down my face as I hear the sound of rain trickle down my window. Why is it that during times of sorrow it always seems to be raining? I find peace in the sound- It reminds me that I am alive. It is the sound of cleansing. A subject that I am all too familiar after this weekend. 

For the past 48 hours my body has been cleansing it self.... I received four little tablets that apparently are not meant for pregnant people. See the Warning label. As I looked at the label- I thought... "but I am still pregnant...my baby is just not alive." Those little words on the package that stared back at me were a harsh reminder that I was about to not be pregnant anymore. And it all of a sudden felt so real. A little too real. Once again with the ugly cry.

Then I laid next to the Mister and we attempted to watch what we were hoping would be a funny Adam Sandler Movie- Jack and Jill (it wasn't) ... and we fell asleep within minutes.

2 am rolled around....AYE AYE AYE! The physical pain was up there with the emotional pain... it was intense. I want to know why in the world did no one tell me that it would be utterly painful and utterly disgusting...I mean something out of a horror movie! I seriously felt like I was going into labor...but with additional grossness... I now have the new record for spending the most time in the shower in one day. I think I took 9 showers that day. I will spare you the details but it was unbelievable. (Warning I am about to get gross) And once I saw the little sac that carried my baby plop out... I couldn't help but stare at it... examine it. Maybe even poke it a little to see if I could see anything inside.  So crazy. Then it seemed even more real. I really wasn't pregnant anymore. My baby wasn't really alive. 

Then I wasn't sure...do I flush it down the toilet? It seems wrong- it's not a goldfish.... but burying it in the backyard where it would most likely be unburied and eaten by our dog Guapo didn't seem right either.

I flushed it.
Although I sometimes wished I did burry it next to a flower garden or something more meaningful. 

Today I seriously felt "unpregnant" (I don't think that's a word)...chubby still but certainly not pregnant. No nausea. No extremely crazy fatigue (which I don't know how considering what my body went through).

Wow.  I am not pregnant.

Almost three months of pregnancy torture... and I am not pregnant. I wish it was a rule that if you had a miscarriage and got pregnant again that you would be pick up where you left off. You would have earned a credit towards your next pregnancy. I would automatically be close to finishing with the first trimester! Sweet!

Speaking of next pregnancy-

This morning I found this fortune in my bed.

 I have no idea where it came from because I just changed the sheets yesterday so it recently showed up again from a fortune I opened up months ago.,. But it meant the world to me. 

Besitots, 

xoxo

P.S. I finished off the pack of Mint Oreos today. I don't have any regrets. It was delicious. 

I have a secret... but might not be what you think.

2/17/10- day of Little Man's Birth

Yesterday was the day I was going to share with you a little secret. Something that I have really wanted to get off my chest for sometime.

 For the past two months I have been fatigued, nauseous, forgetting stuff,  gaining a little extra spare tire around the belly, and pretty much not myself. 

I was am pregnant. 

I have been so exhausted that any spare moment I  was either eating (to take away my nausea), hovering over the toilet (especially after brushing my teeth- for some reason I alway wanted to vomit after), or curling up with a blanket in the fetal position (rocking and reminding myself that I was only a few weeks away from being done with the first trimester). 

Well, I wish I could be done with my post right there! Surprise! My weight gain, pale skin, and bags under my eyes all have a reason. 

But this story has turned into a different ending... one that seems oddly familiar with all the "surprises" with little man's pregnancy. 

You see,  yesterday was the day I met my new doctor (who I really like by the way) and we  had our first ultrasound. Brooks took off important meetings at work to be there to listen to the heartbeat of our new little person. We found out we were pregnant January 26th and I was estimating that  I was between 11-12 weeks along. 

 Two hours of filling out paperwork, reading new baby material (and getting really excited), drawing blood. talking with the nurse and then meeting and talking to the doctor- I got to hop up on the bed to take a peek at my baby.

Then, deja vu. She had a abnormally calm face and states, "Hmmmmm here is baby- looks like about 9 weeks (which in mind I thought couldn't be- I am at least 11 or 12!) and let me see if I can find it's heartbeat again-oops I thought I saw it but it's not there... hmmmm let's see if I can pick it up again." 

My heart sank. 

Everyone in the room was silent. Please oh please God I beg you- let me hear a little heartbeat...please let me hear you.  I looked over at Brooks and we exchanged a too familiar look that we often did when I was pregnant with Little Man- it's the "No seriously this can't be happening..." look.

But after searching for several minutes and continual pleading in my mind...

no heartbeat.

Remaining still abnormally calm, my doctor proceeded to do the other womanly procedures (the yearly  ones that I really don't look forward to) and then tried the uncomfortable wand thingy to see if we can get a better look...

Still... no heartbeat.

Devastated, but trying to hold myself together I tried to focus on all the sympathy and important medical things my doctor was telling me about, but all I could see was her lips moving- no sound. Something about D and C and how nature has it's way of illuminating non-thriving babies and to not put any blame on anything I could have done. But the thoughts that consumed my mind were "My baby died. My baby is not going to be MY baby. How long has it been? Did I do something wrong? Did I take too hot of a shower, push it too hard at crossfit, stay up too late one night editing photos, lay on my belly in my sleep? Did little man accidently step on my belly when he was rough housing....?"All these irrational thoughts came flooding into my mind as I walked myself into the bathroom and stood over the sink...

 and wept.

 But I mean the sobbing ugly cry with stream of mascara and snot running down your face type of cry. I wanted to fall onto my knees and not ever get up.

"Why me!!!???"

I am young. I don't drink. I don't smoke. I don't do drugs. I have an amazingly low heart-rate and blood-pressure. (Doctors and nurses always comment on that), I exercise regularly, I try to avoid preservatives and unhealthy food whenever I can... I eat ORGANIC EGGS AND MILK FOR CRYING OUT LOUD... I JUICE VEGGIES AND DRINK IT...  WHY....WHY ME!!!! 

I actually WANT to be pregnant! I actually WANT to have a baby to hold and take care of for eternity. Can I just have a healthy normal pregnancy like what seems to be everyone else??? 

Well after being rushed to Fetal Medicine (once again deja vu experience) and for the next hour endured the poking and prodding of doctors while they make uncomfortable small talk with you and avoid telling you anything until the very end... 

no heartbeat.  Baby didn't progress past 9 weeks.

Once again I locked the bathroom door and looked into the mirror and made the ugliest cry face I could and watched the tears stream down my face and into the sink. 

This was going to be a long weekend.

Needless to say, we finished the day by comforting ourself with food and had a gigantic steak burrito at Chipotle and later drowned our sorrows with my favorite thing....

So my little secret of " Guess what I AM PREGGERS!!" is  now my secret of "Guess what I am pregnant and I am having a miscarriage."

You will be hearing from me more often... I have grief process going on that needs to come out.

Thanks for listening.

besitos, 

xo