In case you missed it....free printable.

Just in case you missed it. 

This week on How Does She I am talking about 50 different ways to show someone you care about them... and there is a FREE printable! I have to say that I have just loved reading the comments of those who had experienced a loss in last month's post right here and it made me just go hold and kiss my little ones so much tighter.

 So, Check November's post right here.

beistos

xo

Question 3: What would you do now to support someone who has experienced a loss.

(photo by Laurie Ruth Photography)

I have absolutely loved reading the answers from these women ( read question 1 here and question 2 here) have all suffered such great loss. I truly am making it my mission to be ready to serve those who need us...even if it is something simple. On to the final question:

3) After having experienced your experience- how would you respond to a love one who was going through something similar?

“I wouldn’t be afraid to be with them. I would check in daily, weekly, for months, until I knew they had learned to live around their grief. I would accept them wherever they were in the grief process. If I thought that they were getting to far lost in their grief and despair, I would push them to see a counselor. That being said, I would make sure that they had the name and number of someone I trusted to help them. I would just do things that I knew they needed. Which might be watching their children, running errands, or helping the rest of their friends and family to understand that grief is unique and is not contagious. I wouldn’t ask them to take care of me and my feelings or needs.”

“I would DO SOMETHING. Don't feel like your idea is stupid or worry if they'll like it. Just do it. If I lived near them, I would at least stop by to give them my love. I think the hardest part for people is knowing what to give a griever.. Chocolate always made me feel better.  Really though, if there was any advice I could give, it would be to stop by their house for a minute or two, give them a small gift to show you love them, and stay if they needed someone to talk to.  Any act of service is truly appreciated. If I didn't live near them, I would send something. I have been amazed at how many things I have received in the mail. Even if it's just a card, it means so much. Again, it's the thought that counts.”

“Ya know after going through some stuff. I found that I just need to figure out something, anything that might be helpful for that person and just do it. We mowed the lawn once and we thought that might be something they didn't have time to think about or dreaded doing in the moment. Also just making a treat and sending it to them. Sometimes I have no idea what to do.. but I know i have to do something so they know I'm here.

“The one thing I didn't want to do while my friends were going through grief.. is to stand by and keep my distance. To an extent.. yes.. But I didn't want to disappear just because of lack of words or advice. Love and kindness and SHOWING you care not just telling is always the best I think.”

"Once again, it depends on the situation. Love, support, compassion, service, thoughts, prayers etc. are all a great way to start.  I read a fabulous article a while back about who you can say what to during a difficult time.  I've attached it because the article will explain it much better than I ever could.  This is definitely a great way to look at grief.  Comfort the inner rings of the circle, dump to the outer rings of the circle. I think this works whether it is illness, death, financial hardship or whatever else is happening to people you love."

" I am more in tune and can truly sympathize with that person.  I want to do something because my heart is telling me to, not just because I get a thought telling me its the right thing to do."

How Does She post will be up this Tuesday...

besitos, 

xo

Question 2: What NOT to do for Someone who is Grieving.

I went with my sister-in-law Dar to the cemetery to take some photos for my post and loved this one. It feels like little Ivory is laying right beside her.

I have to say that one thing I can't stop thinking about is this woman who was nearby sitting by a headstone. The headstone belonged to a little three-year-old boy. I know this because the last time I was visiting Ivory's grave- there were spiderman balloons and tiny cars and action heros along the headstone. Curious- I went over the grave and saw the little action figures and toys belonged to a little three-year-old boy.  Oh how my heart ached for that mother. 

I think of that experience and that mother often. 

Oh how I never want to take my little ones for granted. It makes me want to enjoy them every second I get with them.

This brings me to Question 2: 

2) What acts of actions, comments, or gifts stand out to you as being the least helpful to you?

“Ahh… the least helpful, is all of the people who needed to make it better for me or simply disappeared. The cards that espoused their religious beliefs, and not mine. “He’s in a better place”. Even if it’s true, he wasn’t with me. This statement robs someone of their right to grieve. The comparisons friends made to their own grief experiences. One of the worst comparisons made at the time (I have better perspective now) was the good friend who compared the loss of my son, to the loss of her dog.”

“The least helpful were obviously the ones who didn't do anything. I got "we just want to give you your space" or "call me if you need anything" a lot, and I'm guilty of doing that to people. After going through a trial though, I've realized they are meaningless comments. There is a "space" that needs to be respected, but never coming over or sending your love actually kind of hurts. It made me question friendships.. I feel that "giving space" translates to: we don't know how to help you, so we'll let you deal with it on your own and be there when you're over it.  When people said to call them if I needed anything, I knew they meant it, but I was never going to call them. It's kind of an "out" for people who just don't know what to do. Along with the "call me if you need anything" is "let me know if there's anything I can do." Pretty much the same thing.. mostly meaningless and the person is not going to call or let you know if you can do something.

Don't go over to a grievers home, without notification, and stay for a long time. Plan on stopping by for just a minute or two, unless it's clear that they want you to stay.

If a griever isn't answering your phone calls, texts or emails.. don't take it personally. They need time. Continuing to call, text, and email doesn't necessarily help either. They'll get to you when they're ready.”

“least helpful hmm. anything was kind and accepted but the least Helpful was probably someone saying "call if you need anything" hah. its something that I will probably never do. Even if I did need something.”

The thing I really did not like after my boys died is the thing that people automatically do.  Everyone does it.  I still find myself doing it sometimes and inwardly cringe.  I HATED when people would try and compare their trials to my situation.  It's a completely natural thing for people to do because they don't know what to say, so they start by letting you know they understand. After both of my boys died, I had a lot of people tell me they knew exactly how I felt because they had a miscarriage at 8 weeks.  I don't want to downplay the emotions and grief that comes with having a miscarriage because I know those are very real feelings as well, so I hope no one would take offense at me saying that.  But, having a miscarriage is completely different from watching your 15 month old go through emergency brain surgery in the middle of Mexico and not make it.  Last summer, my friend's father passed away and she said the same thing.  She did not like it when people would downplay her grief by saying, "My dad died too, so I understand.  It's okay.  He's better off now."  I know people are just trying to be helpful, but it comes back to my earlier statement that everyone grieves differently and trying to compare situations felt like people were downplaying my grief at the moment.  Instead of trying to sympathize, just offer sympathy, if that makes sense.  Instead of saying, "I understand because I went though A, B, or C as well", just say, "I'm very sorry you have to go through this.  You are in my thoughts and prayers."

Another random thought on this one is the books on grief and children dying that we got when both boys died.  To this day, I haven't read a single one of them and probably won't.  My life was consumed with grief at the moment and I didn't want to go read about it as well.  Wait, I did read one picture book that was very helpful called Tear Soup.  I liked it because it was a picture book and easy to read.  It also talks about how everyone grieves differently and you are not doing it wrong.  Other than that, I didn't read any of the dozen or so books we received.  However, once again, that is a completely personal thing.  There might be a lot of people who would consume every book they got on such a topic and it would be very helpful and therapeutic to them.”

“The thing that was the hardest for me was having people tell me that they were sorry that it happened and that they knew what I was going through. Nobody will ever truly understand what you are dealing with until they are put on that position.”

 

"When people shared their similar trails for too long, it would seem it was turning the comfort away from me and what I needed at the time....didn't really happen to me...there was one great conversation that I appreciated that I could have taken that way, but didn't.  But that was a thought I had to push away at the time.  That is the only thing I can think of.  Always better to keep the focus on the person with the trial I think unless you feel it is ok to share a similar experience, but keep it short and sweet and about the other person."

besitos, 

xo

October's Challenge: Be Still.

 Bright color leaves begin to float about in the wind. The air is beginning to take on a different crisp smell and feel to my cheeks. I love to grasp onto a a mug of hot apple cider and just feel my hands warm up.
It's October.

The signal that the end of the year is near and anticipation for the holidays here.

Although October is one of my favorite months, my heart aches with very mixed emotions about this month.

 For this reason, I have decided that this month's challenge is to:

October.

  It's a reminder. 

A reminder that I should be holding my brand new baby in my arms.

 I knew that the heartache and empty feeling would be strong this month as it reminds me of my miscarriage.

Boy was I right.

My heart does ache.

More than I could have imagined.

Floodgates open as tears flow in the most random times. I could be driving in the car and a particular song sends me into the ugly cry. It's almost as the more I try to set it aside the more it comes to the surface.

It's been a tough 6 months.

I long to be STILL and just listen to my inner voice.

 I long to be STILL and just observe.

I am allowing myself the time to be STILL...to hopefully continue to heal.

OCTOBER CHALLENGE:
I want you to start this challenge by thinking of a  number 1 to 12. Okay got it? Now think of a number between 1 and 59. Got it?

That is your time this week. For example, the number that came to my mind was 3 and then the next number was 2 so my time is 3:02pm. Now set your alarm on your phone for that time of the day- obviously adjust it to AM or PM during a time you are going to be awake.

This is a random time of the day where no matter what you are in the middle of you will take a two minute time out and just be STILL.

If you are in the middle of something with others- just simply excuse yourself and find a place you can close your eyes and observe the sounds, smells, and sense of touch you feel in those two minutes. That is all. No judgment...just observations.

  At first, those two minutes may seem like an eternity, but in time it will become easier. I promise.

You ready to join me??
Besitos,
xo

Healing.

 It's always amazes me when people feel the need to keep miscarriages a secret or pretend as if nothing happened. Like as if they aren't supposed to acknowledge that they had a living person (part of them)  growing inside of them. As if they just didn't spend months mentally imagining what this person would be like- what they would feel like- what name you would give them- and they just expect to just carry on with normal conversations and daily life as normal.
 But normal?
 I am not sure what that is anymore.
 At times I feel numb. Other times I feel emotional. Other times I feel the need to crack jokes and laugh.

Yesterday I was chasing little man in the kitchen and he squealed and giggled as I tried to catch him. The sound of his laughter was music to my ears. It was refreshing and reminded me of the love I have for him and being a mother. I am so lucky. Then, that feeling of gratitude quickly disappeared as part of me felt guilty for feeling such great joy. Like it felt weird to laugh or smile or engage in a fun activity.

What is the deal with that? I am supposed to feel all those things so why would I feel guilt?  I think there is a notion that grief is something that begins and then ends. We go through one stage and on to the next never to return to the previous stage. Sadly, in my experience- the stages of grief can be repeated over and over in different variations and levels and sometimes forever.  It doesn't just go away magically one day. They come in waves. It just get's easier to cope with the pain- to find the wishes among the weeds.

I know this experience has forever changed me. I am not the person I was last week. I have an even clearer perspective. I have yet another reminder of how precious and fragile life is.

 I am stronger.

My art journal has had a lot of love lately.

Additionally,  I came upon this soul collage below that I had stuck in my art journal a few weeks ago. It was one that I created while I was at work with a teenage client who was working on her soul collage while I rummaged through images looking for things I was attracted to and glued them on a page.(I like to be doing art along with my client so they feel comfortable and they don't as I am judging their work) :) I was surpised how much I had "home" and "family" on the brain.

Looking back now with different eyes- I see heaven on earth. I see a family with two kids- one of them being a girl. I always dreamed to have a girl one day as well. I had secretly thought I was having a girl... maybe one day I will.

It is not happening right NOW for me. But one day I pray it will.
 I know there is a time and reason when one day I will understand.

Thank you for your sweet words, prayers, and goodies.
I am truly blessed.

P.S. I forced myself to get dressed, straighten my hair, and even slap on some red lipstick if nothing else. It fealt good. I took some photos and had good conversation with friends. I even had a friend who came over and helped me plan my healing garden... can't wait to share that with you.

One step in front of the other.
besitos,
xoxo

"Warning: Not for Pregnant Women."

Tears stream down my face as I hear the sound of rain trickle down my window. Why is it that during times of sorrow it always seems to be raining? I find peace in the sound- It reminds me that I am alive. It is the sound of cleansing. A subject that I am all too familiar after this weekend. 

For the past 48 hours my body has been cleansing it self.... I received four little tablets that apparently are not meant for pregnant people. See the Warning label. As I looked at the label- I thought... "but I am still pregnant...my baby is just not alive." Those little words on the package that stared back at me were a harsh reminder that I was about to not be pregnant anymore. And it all of a sudden felt so real. A little too real. Once again with the ugly cry.

Then I laid next to the Mister and we attempted to watch what we were hoping would be a funny Adam Sandler Movie- Jack and Jill (it wasn't) ... and we fell asleep within minutes.

2 am rolled around....AYE AYE AYE! The physical pain was up there with the emotional pain... it was intense. I want to know why in the world did no one tell me that it would be utterly painful and utterly disgusting...I mean something out of a horror movie! I seriously felt like I was going into labor...but with additional grossness... I now have the new record for spending the most time in the shower in one day. I think I took 9 showers that day. I will spare you the details but it was unbelievable. (Warning I am about to get gross) And once I saw the little sac that carried my baby plop out... I couldn't help but stare at it... examine it. Maybe even poke it a little to see if I could see anything inside.  So crazy. Then it seemed even more real. I really wasn't pregnant anymore. My baby wasn't really alive. 

Then I wasn't sure...do I flush it down the toilet? It seems wrong- it's not a goldfish.... but burying it in the backyard where it would most likely be unburied and eaten by our dog Guapo didn't seem right either.

I flushed it.
Although I sometimes wished I did burry it next to a flower garden or something more meaningful. 

Today I seriously felt "unpregnant" (I don't think that's a word)...chubby still but certainly not pregnant. No nausea. No extremely crazy fatigue (which I don't know how considering what my body went through).

Wow.  I am not pregnant.

Almost three months of pregnancy torture... and I am not pregnant. I wish it was a rule that if you had a miscarriage and got pregnant again that you would be pick up where you left off. You would have earned a credit towards your next pregnancy. I would automatically be close to finishing with the first trimester! Sweet!

Speaking of next pregnancy-

This morning I found this fortune in my bed.

 I have no idea where it came from because I just changed the sheets yesterday so it recently showed up again from a fortune I opened up months ago.,. But it meant the world to me. 

Besitots, 

xoxo

P.S. I finished off the pack of Mint Oreos today. I don't have any regrets. It was delicious. 

I have a secret... but might not be what you think.

2/17/10- day of Little Man's Birth

Yesterday was the day I was going to share with you a little secret. Something that I have really wanted to get off my chest for sometime.

 For the past two months I have been fatigued, nauseous, forgetting stuff,  gaining a little extra spare tire around the belly, and pretty much not myself. 

I was am pregnant. 

I have been so exhausted that any spare moment I  was either eating (to take away my nausea), hovering over the toilet (especially after brushing my teeth- for some reason I alway wanted to vomit after), or curling up with a blanket in the fetal position (rocking and reminding myself that I was only a few weeks away from being done with the first trimester). 

Well, I wish I could be done with my post right there! Surprise! My weight gain, pale skin, and bags under my eyes all have a reason. 

But this story has turned into a different ending... one that seems oddly familiar with all the "surprises" with little man's pregnancy. 

You see,  yesterday was the day I met my new doctor (who I really like by the way) and we  had our first ultrasound. Brooks took off important meetings at work to be there to listen to the heartbeat of our new little person. We found out we were pregnant January 26th and I was estimating that  I was between 11-12 weeks along. 

 Two hours of filling out paperwork, reading new baby material (and getting really excited), drawing blood. talking with the nurse and then meeting and talking to the doctor- I got to hop up on the bed to take a peek at my baby.

Then, deja vu. She had a abnormally calm face and states, "Hmmmmm here is baby- looks like about 9 weeks (which in mind I thought couldn't be- I am at least 11 or 12!) and let me see if I can find it's heartbeat again-oops I thought I saw it but it's not there... hmmmm let's see if I can pick it up again." 

My heart sank. 

Everyone in the room was silent. Please oh please God I beg you- let me hear a little heartbeat...please let me hear you.  I looked over at Brooks and we exchanged a too familiar look that we often did when I was pregnant with Little Man- it's the "No seriously this can't be happening..." look.

But after searching for several minutes and continual pleading in my mind...

no heartbeat.

Remaining still abnormally calm, my doctor proceeded to do the other womanly procedures (the yearly  ones that I really don't look forward to) and then tried the uncomfortable wand thingy to see if we can get a better look...

Still... no heartbeat.

Devastated, but trying to hold myself together I tried to focus on all the sympathy and important medical things my doctor was telling me about, but all I could see was her lips moving- no sound. Something about D and C and how nature has it's way of illuminating non-thriving babies and to not put any blame on anything I could have done. But the thoughts that consumed my mind were "My baby died. My baby is not going to be MY baby. How long has it been? Did I do something wrong? Did I take too hot of a shower, push it too hard at crossfit, stay up too late one night editing photos, lay on my belly in my sleep? Did little man accidently step on my belly when he was rough housing....?"All these irrational thoughts came flooding into my mind as I walked myself into the bathroom and stood over the sink...

 and wept.

 But I mean the sobbing ugly cry with stream of mascara and snot running down your face type of cry. I wanted to fall onto my knees and not ever get up.

"Why me!!!???"

I am young. I don't drink. I don't smoke. I don't do drugs. I have an amazingly low heart-rate and blood-pressure. (Doctors and nurses always comment on that), I exercise regularly, I try to avoid preservatives and unhealthy food whenever I can... I eat ORGANIC EGGS AND MILK FOR CRYING OUT LOUD... I JUICE VEGGIES AND DRINK IT...  WHY....WHY ME!!!! 

I actually WANT to be pregnant! I actually WANT to have a baby to hold and take care of for eternity. Can I just have a healthy normal pregnancy like what seems to be everyone else??? 

Well after being rushed to Fetal Medicine (once again deja vu experience) and for the next hour endured the poking and prodding of doctors while they make uncomfortable small talk with you and avoid telling you anything until the very end... 

no heartbeat.  Baby didn't progress past 9 weeks.

Once again I locked the bathroom door and looked into the mirror and made the ugliest cry face I could and watched the tears stream down my face and into the sink. 

This was going to be a long weekend.

Needless to say, we finished the day by comforting ourself with food and had a gigantic steak burrito at Chipotle and later drowned our sorrows with my favorite thing....

So my little secret of " Guess what I AM PREGGERS!!" is  now my secret of "Guess what I am pregnant and I am having a miscarriage."

You will be hearing from me more often... I have grief process going on that needs to come out.

Thanks for listening.

besitos, 

xo