Dress the Bump and Flashback Friday

I am over here at How Does She today giving some tips on Dressing a baby bump.

Well, hello little human baby... I love feeling your kicks every day.

Little Man always wants to help take the photos for my posts. Why is he so cute?

When we are done we have a dance party.

Life is good.

But despite the joy of reaching this milestone in my pregnancy, this week has been a mixed set of emotions for me. 

Flashback Friday...It was about this time last year when I was starting to feel the healing process of joy again from having a miscarriage. The birds were chirping and the trees were blossoming. Then what 6 months later and what seemed like an eternity we were blessed to be pregnant again. I look back on that period of time and am grateful for the growth that came from that experience but wow- I didn't know how much a heart could hurt.   

This week I have shed many tears with a loved one of mine has been waiting a very long time to receive her blessing of having a child and was blessed with the opportunity. But at her second doctor's appointment found out there wasn't a heartbeat.


My heart aches for the loss and I shed tears knowing the extreme unbearable pain that she is feeling- right about the same time of the year last year when I was experiencing such sorrow. Oh how it can be so difficult to not go to a place of bitterness and anger where you wonder why her. In my eyes she seems to be the most prepared and perfect person to become a mother. Knowing that the Lord places such adversity and trials in our lives for our own good... what else could she possibly learn.

Time will tell.

There is a fabulous talk by Elder Scott Titled: Trust in The Lord

"When you pass through trials for His purposes, as you trust Him, exercise faith in Him, He will help you. That support will generally come step by step, a portion at a time. While you are passing through each phase, the pain and difficulty that comes from being enlarged will continue. If all matters were immediately resolved at your first petition, you could not grow. Your Father in Heaven and His Beloved Son love you perfectly. They would not require you to experience a moment more of difficulty than is absolutely needed for your personal benefit or for that of those you love."

 

"I testify that when the Lord closes one important door in your life, He shows His continuing love and compassion by opening many other compensating doors through your exercise of faith. He will place in your path pockets of spiritual sunlight to brighten your way."
 

Sending you pockets of sunshine today.
besitos, xo

October's Challenge: Be Still.

 Bright color leaves begin to float about in the wind. The air is beginning to take on a different crisp smell and feel to my cheeks. I love to grasp onto a a mug of hot apple cider and just feel my hands warm up.
It's October.

The signal that the end of the year is near and anticipation for the holidays here.

Although October is one of my favorite months, my heart aches with very mixed emotions about this month.

 For this reason, I have decided that this month's challenge is to:

October.

  It's a reminder. 

A reminder that I should be holding my brand new baby in my arms.

 I knew that the heartache and empty feeling would be strong this month as it reminds me of my miscarriage.

Boy was I right.

My heart does ache.

More than I could have imagined.

Floodgates open as tears flow in the most random times. I could be driving in the car and a particular song sends me into the ugly cry. It's almost as the more I try to set it aside the more it comes to the surface.

It's been a tough 6 months.

I long to be STILL and just listen to my inner voice.

 I long to be STILL and just observe.

I am allowing myself the time to be STILL...to hopefully continue to heal.

OCTOBER CHALLENGE:
I want you to start this challenge by thinking of a  number 1 to 12. Okay got it? Now think of a number between 1 and 59. Got it?

That is your time this week. For example, the number that came to my mind was 3 and then the next number was 2 so my time is 3:02pm. Now set your alarm on your phone for that time of the day- obviously adjust it to AM or PM during a time you are going to be awake.

This is a random time of the day where no matter what you are in the middle of you will take a two minute time out and just be STILL.

If you are in the middle of something with others- just simply excuse yourself and find a place you can close your eyes and observe the sounds, smells, and sense of touch you feel in those two minutes. That is all. No judgment...just observations.

  At first, those two minutes may seem like an eternity, but in time it will become easier. I promise.

You ready to join me??
Besitos,
xo

Fill up My Wishing Well.

Nap-time Confession:

I woke up feeling slightly... well lost today.
 For starters...I thought it was Monday- So I am pretending it is...okay?

 Since my miscarriage back in April, I have felt an emptiness that causes my heart to ache every once in awhile...and then it's followed by me trying to shake it off by focusing on what I do have instead of what I don't.
But the pain is still there.

There are moments like today where I feel like I just need some time to grieve again...where the cravings for oreos and ice cream are strong. :)

 As the days become shorter and the evenings begin to cool off, internally I know another season is approaching...

...the season in which my baby would have arrived.

One more season where my dreams and hopes didn't seem to come true.

I knew something strange was up as I spoke to my little sister Bee on the phone today and found myself sobbing as I told her of the experience of taking yet another pregnancy test just to read the dreaded words, "Not Pregnant." I prepared myself for worst case scenario as I usually do and placed it on the counter to come back a few minutes later to find that one line. I gently laid it in the garbage because I knew I would be back a few minutes later to see if it would have magically changed.
 It didn't.
Here is my current WEED:

In my sister's wisdom and very much relating to what I was going through, she reminded me of the different trials that each and everyone of us goes through to be taught the lesson or gain the strength we need at that time. I may not understand it right now in the moment- but I know there is a bright spot in my future. I mean really- I already have many bright spots- I am so blessed.
I am.
Here are some of them during out carnival time this past weekend.

My current WISHES:

For Music Monday (although it is Tuesday) here is a song called Wishing Well my sister recently wrote... about the very idea of wanting something so badly that it hurts. I needed to hear this again today. Thanks Bianca.

I think my little man is up from his nap... Thanks for letting me get that out... now I am going to refocus and spend time with my little bright spot.

besitos

xo

Cleanse countdown...

There is a problem when you still look pregnant...um, but you are not. 

For the past few weeks I have indulged in all types of goodies and comfort foods including entire boxes of oreos, cartons of ice cream (also oreo), and loaves of home made bread.

No bueno.

It's got to stop.

Maybe I am trying to feed a food baby in hopes it transforms into a real baby? 

Or maybe I am rebelling against my body? ...Take that body. 

Or maybe I know I am about to start a crazy cleanse that my friend Shelley  tried and told me about and I somehow convinced The Mister to do it with me.  It's a month long cleanse of herbs, teas, and eating an all raw natural diet- all things that I believe can make a difference in a person's body... I need a good cleanse after the past few weeks.

Good bye delicious weekends eating out, "Sweet Sundays" where I love to bake, midnight oreo cravings...

But I am willing to try anything.
Even this.

Although Shelley and I have not ever physically met (we know each other through How Does She)- she has been so sweet tell me about her experience where she reminded me of this quote:

"Everywhere in nature we are taught the lessons of patience and waiting. We want things a long time before we get them, and the fact that we want them a long time makes them all the more precious when they come".~Joseph F. Smith

I love that.

She also introduced me to the blog The R House.

I love that too.

Well, here it goes... Next week we begin....

besitos, xo

Healing.

 It's always amazes me when people feel the need to keep miscarriages a secret or pretend as if nothing happened. Like as if they aren't supposed to acknowledge that they had a living person (part of them)  growing inside of them. As if they just didn't spend months mentally imagining what this person would be like- what they would feel like- what name you would give them- and they just expect to just carry on with normal conversations and daily life as normal.
 But normal?
 I am not sure what that is anymore.
 At times I feel numb. Other times I feel emotional. Other times I feel the need to crack jokes and laugh.

Yesterday I was chasing little man in the kitchen and he squealed and giggled as I tried to catch him. The sound of his laughter was music to my ears. It was refreshing and reminded me of the love I have for him and being a mother. I am so lucky. Then, that feeling of gratitude quickly disappeared as part of me felt guilty for feeling such great joy. Like it felt weird to laugh or smile or engage in a fun activity.

What is the deal with that? I am supposed to feel all those things so why would I feel guilt?  I think there is a notion that grief is something that begins and then ends. We go through one stage and on to the next never to return to the previous stage. Sadly, in my experience- the stages of grief can be repeated over and over in different variations and levels and sometimes forever.  It doesn't just go away magically one day. They come in waves. It just get's easier to cope with the pain- to find the wishes among the weeds.

I know this experience has forever changed me. I am not the person I was last week. I have an even clearer perspective. I have yet another reminder of how precious and fragile life is.

 I am stronger.

My art journal has had a lot of love lately.

Additionally,  I came upon this soul collage below that I had stuck in my art journal a few weeks ago. It was one that I created while I was at work with a teenage client who was working on her soul collage while I rummaged through images looking for things I was attracted to and glued them on a page.(I like to be doing art along with my client so they feel comfortable and they don't as I am judging their work) :) I was surpised how much I had "home" and "family" on the brain.

Looking back now with different eyes- I see heaven on earth. I see a family with two kids- one of them being a girl. I always dreamed to have a girl one day as well. I had secretly thought I was having a girl... maybe one day I will.

It is not happening right NOW for me. But one day I pray it will.
 I know there is a time and reason when one day I will understand.

Thank you for your sweet words, prayers, and goodies.
I am truly blessed.

P.S. I forced myself to get dressed, straighten my hair, and even slap on some red lipstick if nothing else. It fealt good. I took some photos and had good conversation with friends. I even had a friend who came over and helped me plan my healing garden... can't wait to share that with you.

One step in front of the other.
besitos,
xoxo

"Warning: Not for Pregnant Women."

Tears stream down my face as I hear the sound of rain trickle down my window. Why is it that during times of sorrow it always seems to be raining? I find peace in the sound- It reminds me that I am alive. It is the sound of cleansing. A subject that I am all too familiar after this weekend. 

For the past 48 hours my body has been cleansing it self.... I received four little tablets that apparently are not meant for pregnant people. See the Warning label. As I looked at the label- I thought... "but I am still pregnant...my baby is just not alive." Those little words on the package that stared back at me were a harsh reminder that I was about to not be pregnant anymore. And it all of a sudden felt so real. A little too real. Once again with the ugly cry.

Then I laid next to the Mister and we attempted to watch what we were hoping would be a funny Adam Sandler Movie- Jack and Jill (it wasn't) ... and we fell asleep within minutes.

2 am rolled around....AYE AYE AYE! The physical pain was up there with the emotional pain... it was intense. I want to know why in the world did no one tell me that it would be utterly painful and utterly disgusting...I mean something out of a horror movie! I seriously felt like I was going into labor...but with additional grossness... I now have the new record for spending the most time in the shower in one day. I think I took 9 showers that day. I will spare you the details but it was unbelievable. (Warning I am about to get gross) And once I saw the little sac that carried my baby plop out... I couldn't help but stare at it... examine it. Maybe even poke it a little to see if I could see anything inside.  So crazy. Then it seemed even more real. I really wasn't pregnant anymore. My baby wasn't really alive. 

Then I wasn't sure...do I flush it down the toilet? It seems wrong- it's not a goldfish.... but burying it in the backyard where it would most likely be unburied and eaten by our dog Guapo didn't seem right either.

I flushed it.
Although I sometimes wished I did burry it next to a flower garden or something more meaningful. 

Today I seriously felt "unpregnant" (I don't think that's a word)...chubby still but certainly not pregnant. No nausea. No extremely crazy fatigue (which I don't know how considering what my body went through).

Wow.  I am not pregnant.

Almost three months of pregnancy torture... and I am not pregnant. I wish it was a rule that if you had a miscarriage and got pregnant again that you would be pick up where you left off. You would have earned a credit towards your next pregnancy. I would automatically be close to finishing with the first trimester! Sweet!

Speaking of next pregnancy-

This morning I found this fortune in my bed.

 I have no idea where it came from because I just changed the sheets yesterday so it recently showed up again from a fortune I opened up months ago.,. But it meant the world to me. 

Besitots, 

xoxo

P.S. I finished off the pack of Mint Oreos today. I don't have any regrets. It was delicious. 

I have a secret... but might not be what you think.

2/17/10- day of Little Man's Birth

Yesterday was the day I was going to share with you a little secret. Something that I have really wanted to get off my chest for sometime.

 For the past two months I have been fatigued, nauseous, forgetting stuff,  gaining a little extra spare tire around the belly, and pretty much not myself. 

I was am pregnant. 

I have been so exhausted that any spare moment I  was either eating (to take away my nausea), hovering over the toilet (especially after brushing my teeth- for some reason I alway wanted to vomit after), or curling up with a blanket in the fetal position (rocking and reminding myself that I was only a few weeks away from being done with the first trimester). 

Well, I wish I could be done with my post right there! Surprise! My weight gain, pale skin, and bags under my eyes all have a reason. 

But this story has turned into a different ending... one that seems oddly familiar with all the "surprises" with little man's pregnancy. 

You see,  yesterday was the day I met my new doctor (who I really like by the way) and we  had our first ultrasound. Brooks took off important meetings at work to be there to listen to the heartbeat of our new little person. We found out we were pregnant January 26th and I was estimating that  I was between 11-12 weeks along. 

 Two hours of filling out paperwork, reading new baby material (and getting really excited), drawing blood. talking with the nurse and then meeting and talking to the doctor- I got to hop up on the bed to take a peek at my baby.

Then, deja vu. She had a abnormally calm face and states, "Hmmmmm here is baby- looks like about 9 weeks (which in mind I thought couldn't be- I am at least 11 or 12!) and let me see if I can find it's heartbeat again-oops I thought I saw it but it's not there... hmmmm let's see if I can pick it up again." 

My heart sank. 

Everyone in the room was silent. Please oh please God I beg you- let me hear a little heartbeat...please let me hear you.  I looked over at Brooks and we exchanged a too familiar look that we often did when I was pregnant with Little Man- it's the "No seriously this can't be happening..." look.

But after searching for several minutes and continual pleading in my mind...

no heartbeat.

Remaining still abnormally calm, my doctor proceeded to do the other womanly procedures (the yearly  ones that I really don't look forward to) and then tried the uncomfortable wand thingy to see if we can get a better look...

Still... no heartbeat.

Devastated, but trying to hold myself together I tried to focus on all the sympathy and important medical things my doctor was telling me about, but all I could see was her lips moving- no sound. Something about D and C and how nature has it's way of illuminating non-thriving babies and to not put any blame on anything I could have done. But the thoughts that consumed my mind were "My baby died. My baby is not going to be MY baby. How long has it been? Did I do something wrong? Did I take too hot of a shower, push it too hard at crossfit, stay up too late one night editing photos, lay on my belly in my sleep? Did little man accidently step on my belly when he was rough housing....?"All these irrational thoughts came flooding into my mind as I walked myself into the bathroom and stood over the sink...

 and wept.

 But I mean the sobbing ugly cry with stream of mascara and snot running down your face type of cry. I wanted to fall onto my knees and not ever get up.

"Why me!!!???"

I am young. I don't drink. I don't smoke. I don't do drugs. I have an amazingly low heart-rate and blood-pressure. (Doctors and nurses always comment on that), I exercise regularly, I try to avoid preservatives and unhealthy food whenever I can... I eat ORGANIC EGGS AND MILK FOR CRYING OUT LOUD... I JUICE VEGGIES AND DRINK IT...  WHY....WHY ME!!!! 

I actually WANT to be pregnant! I actually WANT to have a baby to hold and take care of for eternity. Can I just have a healthy normal pregnancy like what seems to be everyone else??? 

Well after being rushed to Fetal Medicine (once again deja vu experience) and for the next hour endured the poking and prodding of doctors while they make uncomfortable small talk with you and avoid telling you anything until the very end... 

no heartbeat.  Baby didn't progress past 9 weeks.

Once again I locked the bathroom door and looked into the mirror and made the ugliest cry face I could and watched the tears stream down my face and into the sink. 

This was going to be a long weekend.

Needless to say, we finished the day by comforting ourself with food and had a gigantic steak burrito at Chipotle and later drowned our sorrows with my favorite thing....

So my little secret of " Guess what I AM PREGGERS!!" is  now my secret of "Guess what I am pregnant and I am having a miscarriage."

You will be hearing from me more often... I have grief process going on that needs to come out.

Thanks for listening.

besitos, 

xo